Story 1: Don’t Do This

I got one of those broadcast email solicitations from a very reputable organization that hosts executive roundtables. Brian (a stranger to me) wanted me to attend an informational meeting. To his credit, he “had me at hello” with the very first lines of his email, which were both personal and complimentary: “Andrea, let me first say I LOVE the name of your company and the genesis of it…the ‘new beat’ story. Outstanding!”

“Wow,” I thought, “He’s taken the time to find out about BossaNova and make a personal connection to me. He gets me! He likes me! I like this guy!”

What followed was a directive to “Read on” with a photo of a jubilant baseball team and the assertion that “There are lessons you learn in Baseball that can apply to business leaders like YOU once you understand their importance and their impact” (with a bulleted list of those very lessons). His call to action at the end of the email was aggressive and impersonal.

Brian had me right off the bat and lost me soon after. I have nothing against baseball—not at all. I’m just not much of a sports enthusiast and, truthfully, get tired of the male-oriented metaphors. Brian’s very personal appeal followed by his very impersonal (and misaligned) form letter was a particularly lethal combo. Now, not only am I a “no” for the information session I was invited to, but I have an attitude about both Brian and his organization to boot. Three strikes, you’re out.

Story 2: An Approach to Emulate

A few weeks ago I was surprised by a knock at the door—an unexpected delivery of baked goods from a local sweet shop. The package included a hand-written note from Kacy, the office organizer I had hired exactly one year before. The sweets were to commemorate my first anniversary in my new home office, with a reminder that she was available should any lingering piles be in my way, and a request to tell others about her services if I was so inclined.

I immediately logged onto Facebook (well, by “immediately” I mean right after I had a cookie) and posted kudos for Kacy, along with a link to her web site. I sent her an email to thank her for the unexpected treat, alert her to the free Facebook advertising, and acknowledge her for the lesson in great marketing. She wrote me right back to thank me, saying, “I’m so glad you like them! I never know if someone’s going to be out of town or unavailable, but it always works out. In my client list, I have a column where I note the dates of our last sessions. Once a month or so I run through those and send the goodies out!”

The sweets hit the sweet spot, for sure, far more so than being hit over the head with a baseball bat. Maybe Kacy got lucky with her choice. Although it seems to me she could have sent me anything (even one of those giant foam fingers) and the good feelings from the unexpected personal acknowledgement would have prevailed.

A Plea to Marketers

The two anecdotes aren’t apples to apples—different relationship histories, different communication media, different calls to action. That said, I find them both illuminating.

To all marketers out there (including myself), here’s my plea:

• DO make it personal
• DON’T use a personal tactic to get someone’s attention and then switch to a more generic approach
• DO find creative ways to appreciate the people who have given you business in the past
• DO use the element of surprise
• DON’T be afraid to ask for more work or for referrals.

The moral of the stories: Intimacy is a powerful tool in business. Use it wisely, especially with strangers. Mix it in with a little unexpected generosity and you’ll hit a home run.

At first blush, intimacy is a strange word to use in a business context. “What, I’m supposed to intimate with my clients?” In the sense that being intimate means being familiar, informal, and emotionally connected…yes, indeed.

Intimacy is one of the four components of theTrust Equation and it usually gets the short-shrift. For most, it’s more natural to build trust by increasing credibility and reliability. And yet, without intimacy, business transactions are just that–transactions–and the “safe haven” experience that is the hallmark of Trusted Advisor relationships is a pipe dream.

Here is a Top 10 list of intimacy-builders to help answer the question, “How do I build intimacy with my clients?”

Caveat: While the three  groupings (Be Positive, Be Personal, Be Bold) are relatively universal, the specifics underneath are written from a U.S. orientation (mine) and should be adapted as appropriate to fit different cultural norms.

Be Positive

1. Tell your client something you appreciate about him. Don’t just think it; say it. “Amal, before we dig into our agenda today, I just wanted to say I really appreciate how you handled the meeting yesterday. You were clear and direct while also listening to the concerns that were raised. I think it made a difference for the staff.”

2. Celebrate successes together. Give the tendency to be a Task Master a little reprieve. Suggest meetings, coffees, lunches–whatever–that are specifically focused on reflecting on/toasting a job well done.

Be Personal

3. Use your client’s name when you communicate with him/her. They say your own name is the sweetest music to your ears. Address your client personally in your emails, voicemails, and conversations.

4. Use colloquial language. Check the consulting jargon and multi-syllablic words at the door. Practice human talk. Simple. Straightforward. To the point.

5. Be empathic in all your interactions. Empathy creates emotional correctedness. Stop to demonstrate that you’re really tuned in to what your client is saying (both the words and the “music”) before you ask your next question or make your next recommendation. “It’s clear this is a stressful situation, Frank” or “I can appreciate the difficulty in that” or “That sounds like a victory worth celebrating!” (see #2)

6. Be willing to express your own emotions. They’re legit too. “Gee, Johannes, I must confess to feeling pretty frustrated by what you just said” or “You have no idea how happy I am to hear that.”

7.  Share something personal. The next time you’re doing the Monday morning how-was-your-weekend-fine-thanks-yours bit, don’t let it stop at a superficial exchange. “My weekend was great, Surita, thanks for asking. My parents were in town and Sam and I really enjoyed the built-in babysitting. We got a much-needed break.”

Be Bold

8. Acknowledge uncomfortable situations. Caveats are conversational jewels: “Wow, this is awkward…” or “I wish I had better news…” or “The timing with this is embarrassing…”

9. Say what needs to be said. Practice doing it in 10 words or less. “We’re not going to make the deadline” or “We just don’t have the executive sponsorship we need” or “Jim is leaving the team.” The direct approach works especially well in combination with caveats (see #8).

10. Take responsibility for mistakes. Yeah, it’s risky. It’s also human (we all make ‘em) and refreshingly real. “Janet, part of the problem here is that I dropped the ball.”

Of course, none of these “techniques” creates intimacy if they’re forced or disingenuous or robotic. It’s okay (and perfectly natural) to be a little awkward and unpolished–in fact, that just creates more intimacy.

To some extent, the answer to dealing with these difficulties lies in practice (which is why our training program includes a simulation where each participant gets to successfully deal with his or her worst meeting nightmare). To a large extent, though, group dynamics issues can be mitigated and even avoided long before the client event begins.

Here are some examples of what you can do at various stages of the Planning and Design phases of an event to turn your worst nightmare into a dream come true:

- Partner with the client. Be thorough with all the discovery questions you ask. Don’t be afraid to take the time to ask the tough or potentially sensitive ones about the history of the group, such as, “What’s the history of the group? What has occurred that might impact its work together?” “Are there any underlying problems or external forces that might impact this event?” “Are there any special characteristics of the group or its members?” “How will decisions be made in this group?”

- Define event purpose and outcomes. Make the effort to get agreement on these in advance with as many event participants as possible.

- Identify the event team. Involve more than your client sponsor; make one or more members of the client organization an integral part of your planning team. Concerned that a particularly belligerent or resistant event participant will derail the entire effort? Then make friends with the enemy – make him or her part of the team early on.

- Gather data. Engage all event participants in some way in advance of the event. Bare minimum: send multiple communications about the event before-hand. If constraints make it impossible to interview everyone (for example, the group is too large or the budget won’t allow for it), develop a quick and dirty email survey to solicit input from as many participants as possible. Inviting their voices to be heard before the event will have a dramatic impact on how they participate during the event. Don’t shrink away from the ones you most fear. The “pay me now or pay me later” principle applies here, for sure.

- Develop event design. Be strategic about the activities you choose and the way you group people throughout the event. For example, use “max-mix” breakout groups to diffuse tension and promote a diversity of perspectives and views.

Extraordinary facilitated events – and happily engaged participants — are as much about great planning and design as they are about skilled execution.

In our last post, we acknowledged that, while it’s important not to stereotype or “box” others in, models that define typical style preferences can be helpful. We think the Social Style Model (www.tracomcorp.com) is easy to understand and immediately apply.

The combination of Assertiveness (the degree to which you ask or tell during interactions) and Responsiveness (the degree to which you tend to control or emote) reveal your Social Style as Analytical, Driving, Amiable, or Expressive. Click here for a description of each social style.

Taking that one step further, here are tendencies and tips for each Social Style category during times of stress:

For a detailed list of recommended approaches for each quadrant, check out Tracom Corp’s web site (www.tracomcorp.com). The key is to figure out your primary style first, and then your clients’. You can close the gaps from there.

Human beings have natural behavioral patterns. While it’s important not to stereotype or “box” others in, models that define typical style preferences can be help us understand how to relate to our clients – especially when they are different from us. We like the Social Style Model (www.tracomcorp.com) because it’s easy to understand and immediately apply.

The Social Style Model uses two dimensions of human behavior:

1. Assertiveness is the degree to which you ask or tell during interactions
2. Responsiveness is the degree to which you tend to control or emote.

In combination, these two dimensions reveal your Social Style:

The challenge arises when you and your client have different Social Styles but don’t realize it. For example, an Amiable consultant (like me) may misinterpret a Driving client’s focus on actions and results as a lack of caring for his staff, and may frustrate her by spending too much time on relationships. Similarly, a Driving consultant may mistake an Amiable client for someone who is not bottom-line oriented.

So how do you minimize the gap in styles and maximize your ability to get the job done? Check out our next blog post to find out.

If you’re an “Often” on 8 out of 11, congratulations! If you’re a “Sometimes” on five or more, create specific reminders or actions to take in the next week to get back in the best practices groove. If you’re a “Never” or “Rarely” on one or more items, let us know and we”ll offer up some tips to help: info@bossanovaconsulting.com.

According to Wikipedia.com, comedians use self-deprecating humor “to avoid seeming arrogant or pompous and to help the audience identify with them.” Sounds like a good strategy for anyone looking to build trust and rapport with another human being. Sounds like an especially good strategy for anyone in the consulting profession. Ask any client who has worked with consultants over the years – they’ll have at least a few horror stories to tell about the Big Important Expert they hired. That creates messes we are all left to clean up.

Self-deprecation is an art that should be routinely practiced by anyone who claims the title “consultant.”

Here’s some material for your toolkit (original author unknown):

Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear from a Consultant

1. You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.

2. Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy” or “value-added”.

3. How about paying us based on the success of the project?

4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.

5. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.

6. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.

7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.

8. I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.

9. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.

10. Everything looks okay to me.

Share this with your clients. They’ll enjoy laughing at your expense. And they’ll appreciate your ability to laugh at yourself!

Caveats are forewarnings that compensate for what we are about to say. An example might be, “I wish I had better news …” Acknowledging the sometimes harsh truths that follow, we rob them of their power.

Another style of caveat is to speak with humor: “You’re gonna love me for this …” By using humor, we lighten a tense situation.

After the caveat, the next part is simple: Tell it like it is. Say, for instance, “This job is going to take longer and cost more.” Do it in ten words or less.

“Name It and Claim It” functions as a meta-tool: by speaking the thing we fear most, we disarm its power. It is a form of emotional risk management. By incurring a small amount of discomfort, we reliably defuse much larger amounts of discomfort later.

By telling the truth, we solve problems and simultaneously build trust. The result: our client opens up to us. He takes our advice, seeks us out, and listens carefully to what we say. Isn’t that what we’re really being paid for?

*”Name It and Claim It” can be found in The Trusted Advisor by David Maister, Charles Green, and Rob Galford. We think it’s a must-read for anyone in professional services.