A competency model won’t answer the mail when it comes to building trustworthiness—in fact, there’s risk in attempting to reduce trust to a series of behavioral definitions. At the same time, there is value in culling down the essential skills of a Trusted Advisor to a practical number.

I narrow it down to the following five: Listen, Improvise, Risk, Partner, and Know Yourself.

Common Denominators

The five essential skills share important characteristics:

They appear elementary—easily dismissed as too basic to merit our attention. (“I’ve been in sales for 20 years; I know how to listen by now!”) They’re deceptive that way.

They’re capabilities you can practice, and should practice over and over again. The five essential skills are to a Trusted Advisor what scales are to a maestro.

They’re inextricably linked. Improvisation requires risk, partnering requires listening, and all of them require knowing yourself well to be effective.

Essential Skills, Defined

There’s a lot to be said for simplicity, hence–five and only five. (Interestingly, Steve Arneson, formerly head of leadership development at Capital One, AOL, Time Warner Cable, and a division of PepsiCo, agrees in principle; he advocates for eight—not 67—essential competencies for leadership.)

Here are the five essential skills of a Trusted Advisor:

Listen. Every day, garden-variety listening—which is what most leadership development, consulting skills, and sales training programs teach—is listening with a purpose, and usually that purpose is self-oriented: to sell, to convince, to get smarter, to buy time. By contrast, the kind of listening that engenders trust—deep trust—is not purpose-driven listening to identify needs or to mine for data you may extract to justify the pitch/sell/recommendation/opinion you have to deliver. It is, instead, empathetic listening where the focus is actually on the act of listening itself.

Improvise. The business world is rife with the unexpected including tricky client situations and other uncomfortable and awkward moments that occur at the worst possible time. Let’s call these Moments of Truth. And in these moments, the skill of improvising—inventing, composing, or performing with little or no preparation—is precisely what you need. Improvisation is relevant to any would-be Trusted Advisor because Moments of Truth are inevitable and how you handle them says a lot about who you are.

Risk. There is no trust without risk. Certainly no deep trust. Yet most of us worry about doing something that feels risky—like speaking a hard truth or sharing something personal—because we don’t think we have enough trust in the relationship for that risk to be tolerated. The irony is it’s the very act of taking those risks that creates trust.

Partner. Look up “partner” in the dictionary and you’ll see “either of two persons dancing together” in the definition. The dancing metaphor is perfect for Trusted Advisor relationships. It conjures up images of give and take, synchronization, graceful movement, and being in tune and in step with one another.

Know Yourself. Introspection is the hallmark of a Trusted Advisor. Introspection doesn’t imply narcissism or self-obsession. In fact, the more self-aware you are, the lower your self-orientation tends to be. To “know yourself” is to have a full and complete inventory of your weaknesses, triggers, and hot buttons, as well as your strengths, interests, and sources of passion and purpose. Knowing yourself is about achieving a level of self-awareness that is required for good self-management—a leadership competency rightly elevated in status in the last decade thanks to Daniel Goleman, and re-emphasized in a recent study by Green Peak Partners and Cornell University.

That’s my take. What’s yours?

This past October, BossaNova teamed up with WTPF for the conference HR Edge. After a full day of engaging and informative sessions, like Jim Haudan on the Art of Engagement and Tom Finn on Handling Pressure, attendees dropped all pretense and propriety and tried their hand at

improvisational comedy with me (Cary Paul) and BossaNova’s Shawn Westfall. During the debrief, participants called attention to some poignant moments that emerged amidst the laughter. We thought these were well worth sharing—for the benefit of anyone in HR, and anyone in business for that matter.

We see it like this: improv is like HR is like life. Here are three key insights that make it all more effective and more fun:

1. Being “in the moment” takes practice. The BossaNova team always emphasizes the importance of being in the moment with our improv workshop participants. They practice thinking on their feet.  Being adaptive. Going with the flow. Improv is all about getting off script and being both real and authentic. Now more than ever, HR professionals face ever-changing priorities. The ability to be present, adaptive, and proactive is a core competency for business success. And while it may seem crazy to practice being in the moment, that’s exactly what professional improv comedians do.

Tip: Do a quick role play with a colleague as a “warm-up” for an important meeting, or as a way to take the edge off a challenge you’re facing.

2. It takes a team. One of the biggest worries people have about improv comedy is being in the spotlight – and being alone.  What participants quickly come to realize is that you are anything but alone; it takes a team for improv comedy to be interesting, successful, and funny. The HR function, like improv, works best when communication is open and relationships and solid. The ability to work as a team can conquer many challenges.

Tip: Use these practices to earn your team a standing ovation.

3. The past shapes our future. Improv draws on the experiences of our past—places we’ve been, people we’ve known, situations we’ve confronted. Through improv exercises, participants practice calling on that past to react to verbal cues from their scene-mates. Similary, the discipline of HR is all about applying what we’ve learned before with smarts, grace (and sometimes humor) to the situation at hand. This works best when it happens as a muscle-memory reaction, without over-thinking.

Tip: Take five minutes to reflect on what you’ve laerned and experienced in the past, as it relates to a current challenge or opportunity. What’s important for you to keep top of mind? What could you apply?

Consider what action you might take today to improve your in-the-moment skills, to amp-up your team, and to draw on the past in a productive way to shape your actions for today.

And don’t forget to take a little time out for a laugh or two.

Click here to see some funny scenes with clients performing improv with us.

We’ve all had those moments when we realized we knew something that someone else didn’t know and it was awkward. Think of the last time you were at lunch and you noticed your tablemate’s big, toothy grin adorned by a piece of big, leafy spinach—yep, that’s the kind of awkward we’re talking about. Even though most of us probably ascribe to a principle of Transparency—being honest, open, candid except when illegal or injurious to others—we’ve all made the choice at some point to say nothing.

The question is: did we do the right thing?

Use the Three Question Transparency Test to find out.

When a Lie by Omission Seems Like a Pretty Good Option

On the surface, it’s easy to say “Honesty’s the best policy!” Dig a little deeper and it’s not so clear.

Let’s look at some client examples to make this real—cases where you know something that he or she doesn’t (or might not), and you wonder “to tell or not to tell?”

• Imagine you’ve discovered a mistake in your work. The impact is relatively minor. Does it help or hurt the customer relationship to call attention to it?
• Or…you’ve discovered a mistake in your client’s work. The impact is significant. So is the likelihood of embarrassment (or worse) for them. Are you honoring or dishonoring the relationship by saying nothing?
• What if you learn something unfavorable about a competitor—one your customer is currently engaged with. Are you the hero or the jerk if you bring it up?
• And—maybe the worst of all—what do you do when you notice your client has spinach in her teeth?

End the Debate with the Three-Question Transparency Test

The next time you’re debating “to tell or not to tell,” ask yourself three questions:

1. Is my reason for not telling actually for my benefit, rather than theirs? Let’s face it: we human beings have a natural tendency to avoid scary, uncomfortable stuff—and that includes not telling things when telling is precisely what will honor the relationship. Is it really in the other person’s best interest to say nothing or is your desire to avoid your own discomfort creating a platform for a nice, juicy rationalization?
2. If I don’t tell and he finds out later, will he feel misled? This question invites you to see the situation from the other person’s vantage point—always a good practice when it comes to relationship-building. (By the way, if you’re banking on the fact that he won’t find out later, check your probabilities…and your motives.)
3. Would I tell her if she were my friend? This is my favorite question because it really cuts to the chase and invites us to set aside the arms-length decorum (often masked as “professionalism”) that defines most business relationships.

If at any point your answer is yes, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Say what needs to be said (with compassion and diplomacy, of course – caveats help immensely.)

An Even Simpler Test

If three questions seem like too many, here’s the ultimate litmus test. Thanks go to Chip Grizzard, CEO of Grizzard Communications Group, who recently shared these words of wisdom. Chip says, “If you’re expending any energy on the debate, then it probably means you should say something.”

It doesn’t get much simpler than that.

In Theory and In Practice

While the principle of Transparency sounds good in theory, it’s actually very hard to live by. It takes courage. It takes a willingness to get comfortable being uncomfortable. It takes a commitment to removing yourself from the equation. And it takes a certain level of discernment to figure out when it’s hurting versus helping to sidestep the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Use the Three-Question Transparency Test—or the simpler “Grizzard Gut Check”—the next time you wonder whether to tell or not to tell.

When I lead our Being a Trusted Advisor and Trust-Based Selling programs, I ask participants early on what’s the “one big thing” they want to get out of their participation. Invariably, at least a quarter of people in the room will say something along the lines of “tools for accelerating trust-building.” And those who don’t say it usually vigorously nod their heads in agreement.

How to build trust quickly boils down to a simple three-step approach. Today I’ll tackle the first two steps—arguably the most important and least practiced.

1. Mind your mindset. What are the stories you’re carrying in your head—about trust-building, about the people you’re meeting with, about yourself? Take stock. Be vigilant. Bust the myths. If you assume trust will take time, you’ll miss opportunities that are right in front of you (See Top Trust Myths: 1 of 2: Trust Takes Time) . If you assume it’s going to be difficult to bond quickly with your prospective client, well, you’re probably right. Being trustworthy is as much about attitude as it is about skill.
2. Set your intentions carefully. Be committed, not attached, to a specific outcome. Let go. If you’re meeting a prospective client for the first time, you can be certain of the strengths of your offering while at the same time realizing that it may not be the best solution for her/him right now. If you’re taking over an account for your colleague, you can be confident in your abilities while also being open to the possibility that you’re not the right replacement. Attachment equates to high Self-Orientation, and I can’t think of a better way to lower or destroy trust quickly; it’s the obvious opposite of rapid trust creation. On the other hand, giving people the psychic freedom to choose increases trust. Be someone around whom they experience freedom, not pressure.

Here’s why Steps 1 and 2 usually get short-shrifted: they seem a little woo woo. You may be tempted to skip them in favor of something more concrete and action-oriented. It’s a common trap; don’t fall into it.

These steps are woo woo in the sense that they are more about being than doing. And it’s precisely the kind of self-work required to alter who you’re being that makes the difference between a good consultant and an extraordinary consultant, a so-so salesperson and a longstanding member of the President’s Club, and an average advisor and a Trusted Advisor.  (The woo-woo thing has some pretty solid science behind it too–thought drives actions which then result in outcomes. You can be scientific and believe this too).

Sure, the doing part matters—we’ll look at practical ways to accelerate trust in Part II of this blog—it’s just that the choices we make and impact we have in the realm of doing are directly tied to our mindsets and intentions. Lead with the woo woo and you’ll go beyond “good,” “so-so,” and “average” in a very short time frame.

Click here to read Part II of this 3-step system.

It’s now 30 minutes into your web-based seminar. . . Do you know where your participants are?

I suspect some are checking email, others are finishing important client work, and yet others are surfing social networks.

Online participants can be notorious multi-taskers. However, good virtual facilitators can create a learning atmosphere—one so engaging—that participants will forget about Outlook, client memos, and LinkedIn.

The Challenge

Web-based seminars have many executives patting themselves on the back. Executives save travel dollars and reach broader audiences by using them. Unfortunately, they are also scratching their heads, as they see declining participant engagement in the virtual classroom. The reason: while the delivery technology has changed, many facilitators have not yet adapted to the new environment.

Typically, as facilitators transition from the brick-and-mortar classroom to the online classroom they focus on mastering the new tools and technology. Yes, it is critical to know how to use the interactive features, such as using the whiteboard and chat features; sharing the microphone; and planning for and mitigating the inevitable technical challenges. What many online presenters forget is that the greatest key to successful online learning still depends upon how they interact with the participants.

The word “facilitate” technically means “to make easy.” The facilitator’s primary goal is to make it easy for participants to gather new knowledge and skills.

Let’s look at a few of the techniques used by the best live classroom facilitators to engage participants and see how these same practices translate to the virtual classroom.

Good Facilitators Establish a Presence through Their Image

When we are facilitating in a live classroom, we do more than just stand at the podium to establish ourselves as the leader. We use a variety of visual, vocal, and verbal cues. We dress professionally; use appropriate gestures, facial expressions, and posture; and try to exude an approachable demeanor and tone with our voice, eye contact, and words. In a virtual classroom voice becomes critical, since it is the only element of our persona we can convey. Our voice is our sole representative and sets expectations for participants.

Here are some tips to maximize your vocal skills:

• Vary your pitch to avoid a monotone
  Use a downward pitch to indicate authority rather than an upward pitch, which signifies a question or sends a message of uncertainty or insecurity. Change the rate to keep things interesting and slow down to make key points.

• Avoid filler words
  Many speakers use umms and uhhs, but overuse of these is a huge distraction. Most filler words are used by speakers trying to make everything they say one long sentence. Sound familiar? Next time, concentrate on putting a period at the end of one sentence. And take a breath before the next.

• Avoid long pauses
  Long pauses between sentences lead to dead air and invite participants to check out. Plan your presentation with smooth transitions between topics. 
  

• Pretend you have an audience of one
  Speak in a conversational volume and use one-on-one language. Ensure that you can be heard, but visualize yourself speaking to one person, not a crowd. Use words like I, you, or first names; avoideveryone or anyone.
• Avoid repetitive language
  Mix up your phrases when providing feedback. Use “great”, “good point”, and “that makes sense.” Avoid using the same catch phrase (e.g., “let’s move on”) for every transition.
• Keep the focus on content—not the medium
  Use your voice for transitions, but not narrations. Use words to prepare participants for the next activity or explain the value of the past activity. However, don’t narrate what you are doing unless it adds value. For example, “Let’s use the whiteboard to capture some of your ideas” adds more value than “now I’m going to show you a slide.” A good facilitator wants participants to focus on the content of the slide rather than the slide itself. A better alternative would be, “Let’s look at some key reasons for the new change in procedures.” Draw attention to the content, not the medium.
• Have fun with your voice
  There are many ways to inject humor into even the driest content. Just have fun with your voice. Changes in pitch and rate can make you a more engaging speaker.

Don’t be afraid to be creative — one facilitator I know imitates an auctioneer as he waits for survey results to come in: “I’ve got two . . . Can I get three? Okay, three! . . . Waiting for four.”

Other successful facilitators work with a co-facilitator to create an atmosphere similar to a call-in radio talk show. As long as light humor doesn’t detract from the focus on the content, it can be a valuable technique for engaging your participants.

Good Facilitators Ask Lots of Questions

Good facilitators, in both live and online classrooms, use questioning techniques (i.e., the Socratic Method) throughout their programs to engage and interact with participants, ensure understanding, and help adult learners share their knowledge and learn from the experiences of their peers.

In a live classroom, facilitators ask a question, study the room, and make eye contact with specific participants to encourage them to answer. The facilitator can also move closer or offer an open palm hand gesture to encourage participation.

Here are some tips for using questions effectively and engaging your participants:

Ask questions in a way that involves all participants

Always follow a sequence to maximize the participation:

• Start with a survey question in order to get a response from everyone.
• Ask a follow-up question directed toward individuals who answered a certain way on the survey; participants can indicate their answers through the check mark tool.
• Based on those responses, call on an individual, then build on his or her response by calling on others.

Use a good mix of different types of questions

These include:

• Overhead questions directed toward the entire group.
• Direct questions geared toward a subset of the group or a specific individual.
• Open-ended questions that require an elaborate answer.
• Close-ended questions to summarize or obtain agreement.
• Probing questions to move a conversation forward.
• Hypothetical questions to encourage participants to think about how they would handle a particular situation.
• Reverse questions to refer a participant’s question back to the group for an answer.

Avoid dead-end questions

Dead-end questions occur when a facilitator speaks without thinking. An example is, “Who has a question before we take a break?” Obviously, no one wants to be the wet blanket who delays the break. A better alternative would be, “I expect you have some questions at this point. Let’s hear some of them. Accounting people: What questions do you have?”

Work with your co-facilitator to balance participation

If you are co-facilitating, your co-facilitator can help you keep track of who may not have participated. By sending you a private message, you can be sure to engage that participant by asking a direct question. Alternatively, your co-facilitator can send a message to the participant to ensure there are no technical difficulties and to encourage the participant to answer a question.

In the reverse situation, a simple message from a co-facilitator that reads, “Jim, you’ve obviously had a great deal of experience with this. Let’s hear from some other people,” will go a long way toward acknowledging and corralling an overly eager participant.

Good Facilitators Seek, Receive, and Act on Developmental Feedback

As a facilitator, you want to be able to capture feedback — not just about the course content, but also about your effectiveness.

In a live classroom, participants provide this feedback using their words and body language. Nothing sends a more positive message to a facilitator than a room full of people sitting on the edge of their seats, leaning forward, making eye contact, and nodding subtly in tune with the facilitator’s key points. Similarly, a room full of people who are stifling yawns, crossing their arms, and gazing longingly toward their Blackberries sends a pretty strong message, too.

In a virtual classroom, we are blind to the non-verbal cues. We need to tune in to more subtle forms of feedback, such as the level of participation and the enthusiasm we hear in our participants’ voices.

Now and then, you should just do a simple process check with your participants: “How is this going for you? Are you getting the information that you need?” At the end of the workshop, a simple whiteboard exercise (e.g., “stop, start, change”) can give participants a chance to provide you with some additional feedback.

Always debrief with your co-facilitator for an opportunity to learn and grow. Be sure to ask for ways you can improve. Finally, it may be helpful to seek a mentor within your organization or obtain outside resources to help you as you implement this feedback during your transition from the live classroom to virtual facilitation.

* * *

The benefits of virtual learning are clear: lower travel costs and a broader audience mean more training dollars for everyone. There will always be some limitations to a virtual classroom, but an excellent facilitator can create an environment that is engaging and energetic, regardless of the medium.

There are lots of ways to build trust with others (four, by our count) and Credibility is a big one. In our Trust Quotient research, Credibility shows up as second only to Reliability as the most favored way to build trust. (’Most favored’ doesn’t mean ‘most effective,’ but that’s another blog, another day.)

This makes sense, given the emphasis that most business people naturally place on increasing trustworthiness by demonstrating credentials, experience, and know-how.

The risk is that we stop there or—even worse—spend too much time there. Picture the March of 1,000 Slides.

There’s more to Credibility than meets the eye.

Three Dimensions of Credibility

When thinking Credibility, we mostly think words, as in what you say and how you say it. That means that having information, perspectives, opinions, and recommendations are all important—especially for people in professional services whose very existence depends on high quality advice-giving.

But there’s more. Speaking the truth matters too. A lot. As does delivering your message in a way that makes it easy for others to understand and relate to.

Top Ten List of Ways to Build Credibility

Here’s a Top 10 list of tried-and-true Credibility builders, categorized by Credibility’s three main dimensions.

Feature your expertise and credentials:

1.    Be diligent about researching your customer;

2.    Know about industry trends and information, as well as business news;

3.    Write about your areas of expertise—articles, blogs, white papers;

4.    Host events that bring key stakeholders together.

Improve your delivery:

5.    Use metaphors and stories to illustrate your point;

6.    Practice your delivery so you are clear … and clearly relaxed;

7.    Combine your words with presence—a firm handshake, eye contact (when culturally appropriate), a confident air.

Demonstrate your truthfulness:

8.    Offer your point of view when you have one;

9.    Respond to direct questions with direct answers;

10.   Be willing to tell a hard truth when it’s the right thing to do—including “I don’t know.”

And as a bonus:

11.   Never ever lie. (This includes tiny little white lies and lies by omission.)

This last category, truthfulness, gets at one of the paradoxes of trustworthiness: The thing we’re most afraid to say is often what will build the most trust.

By the way, our clients tell us the truth-telling part pretty much applies to all cultures. Even in Asian countries, where saving face is paramount, the Trusted Advisor’s dilemma is generally less about whether to tell the truth and more about how to deliver the truth in a respectful and culturally-appropriate way.

Credibility-Building Can Happen Lightning Fast

This expanded view of Credibility is good news for anyone new to a profession or new to a relationship. This part of trust–building your Credibility–doesn’t have to take time; being refreshingly honest can build trust in an instant.

Most clients and customers are so used to spin they will immediately take note. So you can actually leave the PowerPoint deck back at the office (or bring it as a leave-behind) and focus on engaging in a genuine, transparent, and honest conversation. Heck, you might even build some Intimacy in the process.

Take Stock and Take Action

Feeling stuck in a particular relationship? Do a credibility check. Start with the honesty dimension—it’s the least comfortable and highest payback. Ask yourself what you’re thinking and not saying, or saying to some but not to all.

Then do something about it. You’ll be glad you did.

Story 1: Don’t Do This

I got one of those broadcast email solicitations from a very reputable organization that hosts executive roundtables. Brian (a stranger to me) wanted me to attend an informational meeting. To his credit, he “had me at hello” with the very first lines of his email, which were both personal and complimentary: “Andrea, let me first say I LOVE the name of your company and the genesis of it…the ‘new beat’ story. Outstanding!”

“Wow,” I thought, “He’s taken the time to find out about BossaNova and make a personal connection to me. He gets me! He likes me! I like this guy!”

What followed was a directive to “Read on” with a photo of a jubilant baseball team and the assertion that “There are lessons you learn in Baseball that can apply to business leaders like YOU once you understand their importance and their impact” (with a bulleted list of those very lessons). His call to action at the end of the email was aggressive and impersonal.

Brian had me right off the bat and lost me soon after. I have nothing against baseball—not at all. I’m just not much of a sports enthusiast and, truthfully, get tired of the male-oriented metaphors. Brian’s very personal appeal followed by his very impersonal (and misaligned) form letter was a particularly lethal combo. Now, not only am I a “no” for the information session I was invited to, but I have an attitude about both Brian and his organization to boot. Three strikes, you’re out.

Story 2: An Approach to Emulate

A few weeks ago I was surprised by a knock at the door—an unexpected delivery of baked goods from a local sweet shop. The package included a hand-written note from Kacy, the office organizer I had hired exactly one year before. The sweets were to commemorate my first anniversary in my new home office, with a reminder that she was available should any lingering piles be in my way, and a request to tell others about her services if I was so inclined.

I immediately logged onto Facebook (well, by “immediately” I mean right after I had a cookie) and posted kudos for Kacy, along with a link to her web site. I sent her an email to thank her for the unexpected treat, alert her to the free Facebook advertising, and acknowledge her for the lesson in great marketing. She wrote me right back to thank me, saying, “I’m so glad you like them! I never know if someone’s going to be out of town or unavailable, but it always works out. In my client list, I have a column where I note the dates of our last sessions. Once a month or so I run through those and send the goodies out!”

The sweets hit the sweet spot, for sure, far more so than being hit over the head with a baseball bat. Maybe Kacy got lucky with her choice. Although it seems to me she could have sent me anything (even one of those giant foam fingers) and the good feelings from the unexpected personal acknowledgement would have prevailed.

A Plea to Marketers

The two anecdotes aren’t apples to apples—different relationship histories, different communication media, different calls to action. That said, I find them both illuminating.

To all marketers out there (including myself), here’s my plea:

• DO make it personal
• DON’T use a personal tactic to get someone’s attention and then switch to a more generic approach
• DO find creative ways to appreciate the people who have given you business in the past
• DO use the element of surprise
• DON’T be afraid to ask for more work or for referrals.

The moral of the stories: Intimacy is a powerful tool in business. Use it wisely, especially with strangers. Mix it in with a little unexpected generosity and you’ll hit a home run.

At first blush, intimacy is a strange word to use in a business context. “What, I’m supposed to intimate with my clients?” In the sense that being intimate means being familiar, informal, and emotionally connected…yes, indeed.

Intimacy is one of the four components of theTrust Equation and it usually gets the short-shrift. For most, it’s more natural to build trust by increasing credibility and reliability. And yet, without intimacy, business transactions are just that–transactions–and the “safe haven” experience that is the hallmark of Trusted Advisor relationships is a pipe dream.

Here is a Top 10 list of intimacy-builders to help answer the question, “How do I build intimacy with my clients?”

Caveat: While the three  groupings (Be Positive, Be Personal, Be Bold) are relatively universal, the specifics underneath are written from a U.S. orientation (mine) and should be adapted as appropriate to fit different cultural norms.

Be Positive

1. Tell your client something you appreciate about him. Don’t just think it; say it. “Amal, before we dig into our agenda today, I just wanted to say I really appreciate how you handled the meeting yesterday. You were clear and direct while also listening to the concerns that were raised. I think it made a difference for the staff.”

2. Celebrate successes together. Give the tendency to be a Task Master a little reprieve. Suggest meetings, coffees, lunches–whatever–that are specifically focused on reflecting on/toasting a job well done.

Be Personal

3. Use your client’s name when you communicate with him/her. They say your own name is the sweetest music to your ears. Address your client personally in your emails, voicemails, and conversations.

4. Use colloquial language. Check the consulting jargon and multi-syllablic words at the door. Practice human talk. Simple. Straightforward. To the point.

5. Be empathic in all your interactions. Empathy creates emotional correctedness. Stop to demonstrate that you’re really tuned in to what your client is saying (both the words and the “music”) before you ask your next question or make your next recommendation. “It’s clear this is a stressful situation, Frank” or “I can appreciate the difficulty in that” or “That sounds like a victory worth celebrating!” (see #2)

6. Be willing to express your own emotions. They’re legit too. “Gee, Johannes, I must confess to feeling pretty frustrated by what you just said” or “You have no idea how happy I am to hear that.”

7.  Share something personal. The next time you’re doing the Monday morning how-was-your-weekend-fine-thanks-yours bit, don’t let it stop at a superficial exchange. “My weekend was great, Surita, thanks for asking. My parents were in town and Sam and I really enjoyed the built-in babysitting. We got a much-needed break.”

Be Bold

8. Acknowledge uncomfortable situations. Caveats are conversational jewels: “Wow, this is awkward…” or “I wish I had better news…” or “The timing with this is embarrassing…”

9. Say what needs to be said. Practice doing it in 10 words or less. “We’re not going to make the deadline” or “We just don’t have the executive sponsorship we need” or “Jim is leaving the team.” The direct approach works especially well in combination with caveats (see #8).

10. Take responsibility for mistakes. Yeah, it’s risky. It’s also human (we all make ‘em) and refreshingly real. “Janet, part of the problem here is that I dropped the ball.”

Of course, none of these “techniques” creates intimacy if they’re forced or disingenuous or robotic. It’s okay (and perfectly natural) to be a little awkward and unpolished–in fact, that just creates more intimacy.

To some extent, the answer to dealing with these difficulties lies in practice (which is why our training program includes a simulation where each participant gets to successfully deal with his or her worst meeting nightmare). To a large extent, though, group dynamics issues can be mitigated and even avoided long before the client event begins.

Here are some examples of what you can do at various stages of the Planning and Design phases of an event to turn your worst nightmare into a dream come true:

- Partner with the client. Be thorough with all the discovery questions you ask. Don’t be afraid to take the time to ask the tough or potentially sensitive ones about the history of the group, such as, “What’s the history of the group? What has occurred that might impact its work together?” “Are there any underlying problems or external forces that might impact this event?” “Are there any special characteristics of the group or its members?” “How will decisions be made in this group?”

- Define event purpose and outcomes. Make the effort to get agreement on these in advance with as many event participants as possible.

- Identify the event team. Involve more than your client sponsor; make one or more members of the client organization an integral part of your planning team. Concerned that a particularly belligerent or resistant event participant will derail the entire effort? Then make friends with the enemy – make him or her part of the team early on.

- Gather data. Engage all event participants in some way in advance of the event. Bare minimum: send multiple communications about the event before-hand. If constraints make it impossible to interview everyone (for example, the group is too large or the budget won’t allow for it), develop a quick and dirty email survey to solicit input from as many participants as possible. Inviting their voices to be heard before the event will have a dramatic impact on how they participate during the event. Don’t shrink away from the ones you most fear. The “pay me now or pay me later” principle applies here, for sure.

- Develop event design. Be strategic about the activities you choose and the way you group people throughout the event. For example, use “max-mix” breakout groups to diffuse tension and promote a diversity of perspectives and views.

Extraordinary facilitated events – and happily engaged participants — are as much about great planning and design as they are about skilled execution.